Although anxiety is undoubtedly what I get asked about the most, then low self-esteem, anger is third on the list. Mums are confused by the first two and sympathetic but anger makes them mad. They tend to respond by
shouting louder
punishing them by removing phones etc.
But let me share something with you.
These do not work
Why?
Your child did not wake up that morning intending to get angry. It is not pleasant for them. They love you and do not want to annoy you or upset you. They are frustrated because they are not being heard and can’t think of any other way to be heard by you than shouting or throwing stuff. Yes it’s attention seeking but there’s a deeper sadder reason for it which we need to understand. In that moment they feel unloved.
Cross feelings can be overwhelming They are young and feel confused by their world, their friends, expectations from you and from teachers, they feel overwhelmed and cannot manage these extreme emotions. The pressure can be intense and they just don’t know what to do. All they need from you is to be loved and for it to be OK to be confused and overwhelmed, to know it’s natural and that there is nothing wrong with them.
They do NOT need to be fixed. They are not broken. They need to be accepted in this space and ‘held’. When my son was very angry and when he was smaller than me, I literally did that, just held him tight and the anger just melted away. In that moment they need unconditional love.
The Karpman Drama Triangle This is the Drama Triangle. Think Cinderella. Cinderella is downtrodden, helpless and whilst she wouldn’t dream of complaining of unmet needs, we can guess that she misses her mum and of course her dad isn’t stopping the bullying from the stepsisters so she would feel unsupported and unloved. This is ‘victim’.
Cinderella is Victim
Who does she consider responsible for the bullying, it would be her stepsisters who are aggressive and angry, they are the ‘persecutors'.
Who has stepped in to help her? The Fairy Godmother who is enabling her to go to the ball where she meets her prince. She is the ‘rescuer’.
In the case of your child’s anger, they are ‘persecutors’ in that moment, but before that moment they were ‘victim’ because something had happened where they felt “poor me”. We may not know what had happened, maybe a sibling fight or someone at school had been mean or they’d been told off. They may have forgotten and it may have been a series of events which have become ‘too much’ for them.
Maybe you ask “why are you angry?” and they don’t know. Now they feel even more overwhelmed and sorry for themselves because they feel they have disappointed you.
Eventually it becomes too much and they move to ‘persecutor’ as they get angry and frustrated.
At that point you give them the attention they actually needed when they were in ‘victim’ and there can start a shouting match or they are punished and get even more mad.
Your child needs the attention, just being heard, accepted and their feelings (even though they can’t explain them) acknowledged when they were in ‘victim’.
The rescuer position is another option for them when ‘victim’ position becomes too much or when ‘persecutor’ didn’t work and they’ve dropped back to ‘victim’. ‘Rescuer’ is whatever soothes them, beit video games, food, messaging friends, YouTube etc Sadly it can also be self harming, controlling food in and out, compulsive routines, drugs, drink etc.
The key takeout is that whichever position you and your child is in, you are all trapped in the triangle.
How to get out, escape, is for you to act more as coach than rescuer, to listen, ask ‘clean’ questions free of assumption and to just let them speak uninterrupted and without the need for explanations. Let them come up with their own answers.
When children are angry this is their response to feeling “poor me” as I’ve said. Here is a little exercise you can do with them that might help.
The Anger Onion
If you need any help, remember I offer a free consultation and there are plenty of free resources including the anger onion worksheet, in my website.
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